I have given too much, to too few in my life. I have only asked to have the mirror, so I can see my caring return. Not to be as it was, but to see as it is. This has not happened. It has always been absorbed like the rain in the desert. No flow of caring, love or the thought of it, has ever touched my heart, nothing but the pain, from the knife of deceit, is what I know. Men, of pain to the heart, do not speak of this, it is said, it will show the smallness in the man. I think not, for when the heart speaks, the soul has told it what to say.

D.

During my life, I have had things happen in love just as you might have. That first true love, that one moment that you will never forget, that one person burned into your memory forever. I have come here to share one of those moments, one of those persons, and one of those memories with you in the hopes that you too will leave this site and think about your time in love.

I have just met a woman. Not just any woman but a girl that made my heart skip with her presence. She was "the" most beautiful girl I had ever met. The very sight of her was just amaizing. We had met online and we got along until an event took her away. It wasn't a death, but only in my heart did I die. I have told this story. The thing I want to persue is how, just the very being of a woman can change a man. It does happen and men usually do not talk about this. But, I will.

She meant that much to me. Lost she is, not only to me, but to herself. She had closed herself in and had no love to share, no emotions to show, no light to shine. I saw this and she even told me why this was to cement my thoughts as they were about her. I knew there was something hiding inside. This thing was caused by her. This pain was her doing, in her past. I saw this before she spoke a word of it to me. During my short time with her, all of my caring for a person as it could be was focused to her. I reached out with more than I had, to help her, to comfort her, to love her. Wanting nothing more than to remove or lessen her pain. I asked for nothing in return. Nothing. If she smiled at me, it was like a beam of warmth in a frigid blast. She has so much pain in her, but she is so closed, I could not come in, she would not let me.

This is my pain for her. That I, just a man, cared for some girl that I did not know. That I gave all of myself for her as my sacrifice to help, to be her friend. Now, she will not speak to me. As if I stole her soul. I have only loved her to a fault, that I cared too much for her. I have not wanted from her, but to hear her voice. To see the glow from her face and to feel her presense.

What I have lost is not just a lovely soul, but one that has so much to give when it heals. She is an angel that has fallen, and I was there to see her struggle to stand. I held out my heart for her and she just walked away without a stare, not to even acknowledge my existance in her time. So I think about her in my mind, I feel for her in my heart, I miss her with my being. I miss her so much that I can feel my heart hurt from it. This she did not want. She did not want, me to care or to hurt. But my soul is the type to give, to give that ,that I do not have ,or can afford to loose except for the one that touches me inside like she had. I would give it again knowing the pain that I will endure is great. To insure that she had a chance to feel love once more. To know what it means to have someone really care and not take for it. I would be this sacrifice if it would mean I could see her again. For, just her presence with me, filled my heart. I always wondered why.

She will have a place in my heart but it is an empty place. Why?

"SADNESS"  

Not too long ago, a few weeks to be exact, I had met a wonderful woman online. She and I just started chatting and all was well. A new friend I had found. Then, I asked her for a date. She was reluctant, but then in a day she replied and said ok. I flew to see her, and we met at the restraunt. I arrived before her and secured a nice table. When she arrived, I was just awl struck. There before me sat the most beautiful woman I had ever met in many years. She just was awsome. We had a wonderful dinner and finished with some real nice wine. As I walked her to her car, we just said good night. I gave her a slight hug and left. The next day, she emailed me to tell me she had a very nice time and wanted to see me again soon.

   Well, over the next several days, we chatted, and talked occasionly on the phone. I 'll be was to see her again in mid April. Well, something happened that changed things and to this day I think I will be a changed man. The result of what happened, caused her to leave my life as fast as she came into it. She has had almost no contact at all with me. I am very sad. I am very lonely for her company. I have just really shut down inside because of it. The next chapter will explain why, and what happened to cause this. One thing is certain, I have lost an angel.

"BROKEN"

   First some background. When I was young, about 16, I had a girl and we were inseperable. WE dated all through school. She was to go to college and I had no idea what I was doing, so we talked it over. I was going into the Navy, she to college. After it was over, we would marry. While on deployment, I received word she was very ill and in a hospital. I tried so go back but since she wasn't immediate family, I could not. It was about a week later, she died. To this day, it hurts me to talk about this. I was just so devastated. I had an emotional breakdown. My friends on board helped my through it. When I returned home, I stayed at her grave for several days. It would be many years before I could even think about liking another girl. Then I met one and we married. We were in love, though I was anyway. One day about two years after we married, I came home from work early to take her out for the weekend as a surprise. I came in the house and there she was having sex with some guy in my bed. At first, I was traumatized, later I just fell apart, my second breakdown.

   I would be about 8 years when I met my next wife. We had a boy. When he was 18 months old, she just up and left. I haven't seen her since. One night, about 3 days after, it hit me that I was now raising my son alone. An emotional breakdown hit me hard. Now, wife number 3. One would think it is me. I am not a bad person. I am very honest, hard working, caring and I do not lie. These are traits I am very proud of. Well, one night, she came home and said she was moving out to live with some guy. I felt nothing, no reaction, nothing, I just asked her why. She said she didn't love me any more. That was it.

   Now back to my beautiful date. She had just one very basic rule. She did not want to get involved, no relationship, just date and have fun. I was ok with this. So I thought. Well, a few days after the dinner, A switch came on in me. I began to send her email after email telling her I really liked her. She told me she had done something very bad and it ruined her marriage and had made her a very closed person. I just couldn't help it, but I just wanted to help her so bad. She was hurting so much inside. I tried to love with out her knowing, but it came out. I just cared so much for her. My emails became so persistant, then I had some sort of breakdown on her through these emails. By then, she had had enough. She sent me this one email and the switch in me went off, just like that. It was too late and she doesn't want to see me again. She said I want more than she can give. She just doesn't want me around for that reason. I do not blame anyone but myself for this.

   Just after I came back to my senses, I wrote to her explaining that, perhaps what had happened was the delay in reaction of what had happened to me with my wife a few months ago. She has not, to this day, acknowleged my email. It was to explain the reason for my total out of character behavior. I told her how embarrassed and ashamed I was for it. Still, no nothing. This has broken me, I am spent, I have nothing left to give anymore. I have hurt the one person I cared so much about in many years, and I do not blame her for feeling the way she does, it just would be so nice if she would just say something to me to show she understood.

   I can only wait now to leave here. There just isn't any love or caring here anymore. All I wanted was to have someone care for me as much as I cared for them. Not love, nothing more than care. I had the most beautiful woman in my life, in my life, and I screwed it up. But, I blame no one.

  I have worked so very hard in my life and I will be taking retirement at 55. Then I can sit back and wonder what if............

Actually, I will do some traveling and see some very nice places....alone.